I don't know what to feel or what to do or how to behave anymore..
You have always been the most important person in my life for the past 3 years & now this is it.
I can't remember a time when I am not happy to see you.
I can't remember a time when I am not glad to hold you.
I can't remember a time when I am not waiting to hug you.

I put aside time, money, life, love, family, friends and everything for you.
I lose myself for you. I mold myself to suit you. My schedule revolves around you.
You are my life. You mean the world to me. & now, all that is left is me.

A New Year, A New Beginning...

Things were not what they were anymore.
Things change, people change.
A once warm and inviting arms have now turned into stone -
cold and hard.
Where is the calm and giving heart?
Where is the inviting smile?
All gone and now I must too.

I will be who you want me to be.
I will listen and never question.
I will smile when you want me to,
laugh when you demand me to
and cry when you tell me to.

The more I love, the harder I fall.
The more I give, the worst it hurts.
What do I do?

Take your pick: an animal, a puppet or a plant?
Now, tme to order and manipulate and prune.
Shape it into the ideal lover that you will like to have.
When all is done and you are bored, dump is aside and walk off.
That's the story of a girl who was once a human.

Can somebody tell me what is going on?

What's with us these few days? Haiz... I'm feeling very tired trying to compete for you with your parents.. We want very different things for and from you.. I NEVER wanted to leave you.. But lately, i've also been thinking.. "Are we really meant to be together?" "What do the future holds for us?" I'm not brought up in a very traditional family.. There are times when I can get away with some things that I know I should not do.. But I also know that if I don't speak up and fight for what I want or feel or believe, I will always be stepped on by others.. I have been doing that for the past few years before I met you & I don't want to go back to the days when I don't dare to speak for myself.. It used to always be a war brewing whenever I'm at home.. Coz I am very strong-willed and extremely hot-tempered with my parents.. You can say that it is coz I was a teenager and during puberty.. But I beg to differ.. I need freedom and I hate to have people telling me what I should do & what I shouldn't do.. You can tell me.. But it is my choice whether I want to follow and heed your advice or I don't.. It is my life and I am responsible for how I want it to turn out.. The recent incident had left a very negative impression of me on your parents.. I know I'm in the wrong for not clarifying things before pointing fingers and accussing your mum of what she never did.. I apologized.. But will she be able to leave it in the past and forgive me? Which future daughter-in-law want to be at loggerhead with her future parents-in-law?

How should I feel?
I love you so much that it hurts
I love it so much that it is eating me up from inside..
I thought we had a deal?

We had to deal to listen with our hearts
We had a deal to never hurt each other intentionally
We had a deal to restart
But somehow it never happened..

I feel lost and helpless without you beside
I feel cold and unwanted without you to hold
I feel lonely and unloved without you in my life
What will my future without you behold?

I'm sorry for hurting you
I'm sorry for saying nasty things
I'm sorry for not trusting
I'm sorry for everything and everyday.. I love you

Do I not feel that need to blog or in a better sense of the word, vent after i've got a boyfriend? If yes, does that means I've been venting all my anger and using up all my energy on him that I don't see the need to blog anymore?

Anyway, a parent just feedback to me saying that all her little girl had been talking about for the past 2 weeks that the school closed is ME! The feeling is just out-of-the-world! Now, I know why some people kept going back into the teaching field and staying on after so many setbacks and difficulities.. Because, the returns that you get needs no description.. It is purely the feeling that your students give you... & my students being so innocent and pure at their age, words from their mouth is nothing but what they really felt..

& I saw one of my ex-student who came to fetch his sis.. He still remembers me and even hugged me.. Pure bliss!!

Went out with Girlfriend to collect graduation robe.. I really missed talking to & hanging out with her.. But when she calls, why do I feel a pang of jealousy? I have no right to stop who she mixes with or talk to.. Is is because she is 'a new blood' & is more interesting? Or have we grown apart in some way? I feel that our bond is not as close as it used to be... What should I do?? Anyway, I went home after collecting the robe.. Felt tired... Lost my momentum after slacking..

I'm thinking of going somewhere to work for the time being.. I'm starting to feel lazy & this is NOT GOOD! Either go back to GH(where everyone is leaving) or apply a job at the Sentosa Resorts.. Work with Andrew again.. Somehow I missed my chefs friends.. Missed the times we hung out at Killiney over iced coffee/tea after work & gossip about things that are happening & things that we see.. They might not be as gentle or civil as my parents would like my friends to be, but they are my friends & they've helped me in many ways over the period i'm working there..

It is finally the end of Thurs & my dear is coming home tml night!! I'm so happy!! But he might have to be called back on Sat.. ='( 1 night & we have to part again...

Half the day is gone.. It is getting difficult... I'm bored, I'm frustrated, I'm irritated, I'm perspiring, I'm seriously missing you... =(

Beginning of the 2nd day alone..

How amazing is that that I can sleep for 12hrs straight & wake up at 1.15pm!!
Pretty much the same routine.. Wash up, on my laptop, spree-ing.. Had breakfast & lunch within 30mins of each other.. After lunch, more than half the day is gone.. Which means I'm left with about 4hrs till dinner time.. haha...
Went for dinner at IMM crystal jade.. The soup was FANTASTIC!! some double-boiled pork soup with winter melon & some other ingredients.. After dinner, back home to slack before goin to sleep at 2.30am.. Hmm... Maybe i'll wake up at 2.30pm! who knows.. But it is so warm tonight that I dun feel like sleeping.. kept perspiring.. irritating tropical weather..

He was shooting the whole day & even have to clean weapon in the middle of the night.. Isn't the army suppose to train men to be fitter? How does depriving our men of sleep equates to building up their alertness, energy & fittness? Don't they know that SLEEP IS ESSENTIAL TO A PERSON'S WELLBEING?? apparently, they don't...
Battle on!! Haiz... I miss my laogong.. It feels so weird without him around.. I can get through the day quite alrightly.. But when everything is quiet at night, it becomes doubly difficult.. I wan to hear his voice, I wan to feel him close to me, I wan to hold him & touch him.. ok.. I should stop before I really break down..
A pat on my back for getting through the 2nd day intact.. 3 more days to go...

1st year, I was pleasantly/unpleasantly surprised..

I had some weird dreams again.. =x

Kelvin is protecting the country now.. Feels so weird not having him around.. But I WILL SURVIVE the next 4.5 days!!

Reached home at 8.07am, on my laptop & starting organizing my spree things - accepting orders & putting them into the correct tab, calculating total amount, doing up breakdowns of previous sprees & verifying payments made. Finished only now at 11.28am.. Phew!
Shall start playing FB games till lunch time..

After lunch, SLEEP!!

Woke up at 4.30pm & followed mama up to Woodlands to fetch Didi.. Was suppose to meet someone at woodlands but the person is taking too long to come from Vivo. End up, meeting the person at Bukit Batok.. Went home, surf net abit den went for dinner at Westmall le..

Good night world - 1:15am

He asked what am I so unhappy about?!
Am I expecting a lot from someone who does things at the very last minute? He has one entire year to think, to plan, to modify, to do whatever he can to make it happen the way he wants. But he happily started thinking about what to do 1 night before. Whatever I suggested, he just brushed it off saying he will plan something. In the end, it turns out whatever he wanted to do did not happen the way he wanted and now he tells me that we will do what I suggested and tells me ‘hey, just as long as we are together can already rite?’. Hello?? If he can’t fulfill whatever he set out to do, den don’t brush away my suggestions. Coz when you do, I’m expecting something better than what I suggested.

Why did I even say that we don’t have to do anything? I’m happy enough just as long as we are together. Firstly, I didn’t want to expect and end up getting disappointed when you can’t deliver as planned. Secondly, I really felt that it wasn’t necessary. Thirdly, I don’t feel that I have enough time from you to do things together with you, without you thinking about other things.

Is it so difficult to understand that I'm willing to scarifices everything for you?
Is it so difficult to comprehend that when I mean everything, it really IS everything?
Is it so difficult to know that I want to be with you all the time I can?

I'm going out of my way to be with you as much as I can & as long as I can, if you can't do it, then say so.. Yes, I expect alot from you but I've also come to realize that you will never be able to match everything that I've given you and done for you. You might say that I'm the most important to you. But when other things you want to do comes along, I'm shifted away.. If I wan to see you, I need to wait after you've finished what you want to.. Don't deny, coz I did wait for you for your lifeguard trainings to end, I did wait for your lessons to end, I did wait in the office the whole day just so that I can have lunch with you & have dinner & go home with you after you finished work. When exams come, I'm moved to the 2nd place. I'm fine with you studying hard for our future, but you can forgo everything when you study. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you even ignored me.. You said that as long as I'm happy, you will be. But my dear, if you didn't realize by now, most if not all of the time, you are the one making me unhappy..

I'm not angry.. I'm just very disappointed.. I'm never angry when you do something that hurts me.. The things that I will be angry is when you are doing things to hurt yourself.. Then, I will be angry at you.. Coz here I am trying to make sure you have enough to eat, providing food so that you won't be hungry, preventing you from over-indulging on sweets & fats, making sure you have enough sleep to rest your mind & body, making sure you have adequate water to hydrate yourself.. & you are doing everything to go against me.. Was I wrong to stop you from eating fats? Was I wrong to stop you from bingeing on sweets?

You asked why I have not been updating much coz it had been that long since I was so hurt by what you did.

I just saw Shron's blog entry. There are so many funny things Wheelock Lecturers said:

**** Leow, 2010 as cited from Shron Sugumaran (2010)****

“I used to have two friends in primary school. Fatt Chee and Fatt Weng. Very beautiful names. One means prosperity and the other means wealth. So everyday when I went home, I would tell them. Fatt Weng Bye! Because also must be nice to the brother ma. So I also said bye to Fatt Chee”

“I used to have a student called Chow Chee.”
Then he said, “the key word here is ‘Chee’. Just be very wary. You know I shared this with my current year one students. They didn’t get the joke.” So Shron told him that it was very easy to understand. And he said, “No. They are five years younger than you. Very different.” “They only know 'WTF'. SMS also 'WTF'. Where’s the fun?!” (The L*m P*r Tua also damn funny)

“Can you go to Macdonalds, buy a burger and tell them, “I pay you one month later?” They tell you go and die.”

“You borrow money, it’s not a crime. You don’t return the money, also not a crime. You hit the banker, that is a crime.” - Love this!!!

“You cannot go to a supplier and ask them for five screws, They will screw you.”

_______

**** Mr Ho (2009) Favourites ****

Mr Ho: You know why the marbles are red and white?
Class: Why?
Mr Ho: Because they are made in Singapore!

"My mother is a mother."

One morning, Mr Ho was explaining the who stats equation to us. After 5 minutes he said finished and we all stared blankly at him, he muttered under his breath "Hiya I write down lah. Some people bring eyes never bring ears."

"Next time I bring the duster to the other side you all must stop me."

"I bring home the bag (of assignments) I also never mark. But bringing the bag around makes me feel better."

_____

**** Others****

"I was once a girl..." Koh, 2008 --> some Science theory about cells

"Girls, you can never find Mr. Right, only Mr. Compromise. And you can only compromise what's left." Sukuna, 2008

People don't vanish into thin air; that when you can't find someone, it's becasuse you've been misdirected to look elsewhere. (p.2)

No matter what kind of life I had, you'd be at the end of it. (p.41)

Just because you keep something a secret doesn't mean it never happened, no matter how much you want that to be true (p.49)

Believe what you want, but be prepared to answer this questions: In my shoes, how do you know you won't have done the same thing? (p.52)

When people we love make choices, we don't always understand them. But we can go on loving them just the same. It isn't a matter of comprehension. It's forgiveness. (p.60)

History is indelible. You can mask it; you can path it smooth & clear; but you'll always know what's hidden underneath. (p.61)

You don't have to be awake to cry (p.33)

It is the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you. (p.102)

Maybe who we are isn't so much about what we do, but rather what we're capable of when we least expect it. (p.298)

It doesn't take a whole long life to realize what we deserve to have, we rarely get. (p.316)

I never knew walking around Marina area in the middle of the night is so refreshing & educational! Yan Fang, love walking around with you.. =)

A new rule: Volunteer for events whereby the volunteering hours are shorter. much shorter than 12hrs!!

J A S M I N E
there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again.
I'm imperfect and I'm Lovin' It.
I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life.
This is my blog so Click here if you hate it.

Go around the world.
Get a job.
Get a life.
Get a love.

they pleaded him GUILTY.

4E2
Andrew
Cara
Clarissa
Crystal
Crystal
Evelyn
Fang Ying
Fiona
Hao Ping
Isabelle
Jessie
Kirsten
Madeline
Wee Sheng
Yvonne

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